January 25, 2014

• If I had you

  I stopped sweating the small stuff years ago, so burrito keeping us up all night on Japan time or whatever isn't phasing me much. Like my Linked In profile for example, I amuse myself to no end with private ironic jokes. My avatar on Linked In was on one of the roughest weeks I'd had for awhile at the time, snapped it in a public restroom in a hospital after another event monitor had been installed underneath my clothing for possible tachycardia/arrhythmia events that turned out to be an accidental hyperthyroidism complication from years of birth control pills. We later found out I had driven into town that day in bradycardia, was so loopy I wasn't sure how I made it 20+ miles in and couldn't figure out how I didn't run lights and smash into anyone, guess I accidentally took my blood pressure pill twice that morning, a really rare thing for me. My memory got so shot over several years that I developed a solid habit of never putting pills in my mouth without writing down time and date in a tiny spiral, and I have stacks of those spirals, so it was an especially wonky day if I didn't write that down. Anyway, I still get my delights out of my 'professional' head shot ironically being just another loopy bathroom selfie like so many people do during much more self serious moments.

  I really do think this sometimes.

  So now I've gotta kick my butt into gear and get ready for a burrito party with a buncha crazy people. That was very misleading, I don't mean fun crazy or drunk crazy or even crazy crazy. I mean a truly bizarre combination of people that defy all normal statistical odds and exist in this special dimension and no other parallel world. These are truly one of a kind people that when you put into a room all together make life seem surreal, and you kinda wobble away wondering if you'll ever look at sunshine the same way again.

  I make jokes with tweeps about alcohol, have even confessed I gave up alcohol myself a long time ago before it totally destroyed me, but my very real life is surrounded by people who *didn't* make that choice and literally destroyed their lives and bodies and emotions and brains. There won't be alcohol at this party. I just want to say to anyone out there who thinks you can quit drinking any time and life gets normal and healthy, no... Years of drinking does things to people. Even if they go dry for years, the effects linger on into far reaching consequences, and these problems affect me personally in ways that irk the crap outa me. I'm not against alcohol, and I'm not against drinking, but I'm really really tired of my life being immersed in it from all sides even long after the pickled people dried themselves out.

  Today will be a fun day, yes. To a point. Because I helped orchestrate it to be that way. Pictures are important. We need pictures of wonderful times because sometimes there just isn't any other proof they exist.

  I was a very serious drinker in my 20's, much to the lasting chagrin of my liver and immune system. I stopped drinking over two decades ago. Burrito's real gramma (I'm a step) will be at the party today. She is my age. She looks 20 years older and never expected to be here this long. This time last year she underwent a life saving surgery from years of damage. This year she has her first grandchild. It's been heartbreaking to watch this and think about it and be part of it, because I raised burrito's mama for this woman.

  This movie helped me understand why some people need to drink. It took me awhile, but once I realized how utterly depressing it is to wake up every day having to face that you wrecked your life and abandoned your children and how in the world do you not kill yourself while you beg money off other people for years, I also realized alcohol IS suicide. It's just very very slow for some people. And it's very sad, like this soundtrack theme song. Skip it if you're not in the mood to deal with it.

  Trees Lounge is a really good movie. I originally watched it because I'm a big Steve Buscemi fan. Here's the trailer.

  The kindest thing I can do today is go hang out at a burrito half birthday party and smile, because the people who love her are still here to see her have a half birthday, in spite of all the odds. At least 4 of them who are supposed to be at this party almost weren't here several times already.

  The secret to if I had you- many years ago I realized *I* am the person I'm looking for to save me. We all want to be saved, to be swept away and made important to keep around, but if we are all looking for that, who does the sweeping up? Is anyone left to be the hero or white knight or soul mate? It's ME. Like Weird Al says, I can be my own best friend and send myself for pizza.

  That's my big talk for the year. You guys are on your own now. Become who you wish for. It's the only way the world gets better.

   

  • 10:18 am
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