I always crack up when this survey pops back up on the radar. Seems to come in spurts from several countries all at once, so it's a pretty fair bet someone linked it somewhere again. I could cheer because people find me entertaining, or I could just be honest and say there is a picture of John Barrowman in his Superman underwear somewhere in the survey. Clicking this sample will take you there.
Getting nervous again. I see Xangans asking on facebook if the 2.0 will roll on over another year or disappear after all, no one on the team is posting publicly, no mention of yearly fees coming up... I'll have my money ready but that will mean nothing if they go ahead and dump it without warning, as has happened with so many other blog hosts over the last ten years. I've started moving some of my Lexx posts over to blogger just in case. Wondering if I should start moving my bluejacky surveys. Thinking what a monumental load of work that will be. All of everything I do takes extra work. Crossing my fingers the move is permanent and my blogs never disappear again.
Scott asked me yesterday how the book is coming. He isn't aware that I still regularly get out of bed in the middle of the night to write another 900-3000 words as quickly as possible into a spiral before I forget my thoughts because I don't dare wait for my laptop to boot up, but since I haven't read anything to him aloud lately, he thought maybe I stopped. My head is so on and functional now compared to even just last year, but there is still always danger of new thoughts dropping right back out into an unrecoverable recycle bin, and I still feel like I'm racing time to get all the words done while I still have a window of opportunity. This clicks to how it all got started.
My psychologist did a quick rundown assessment asking me a lot of questions this last week. I'm technically 'cut loose' and don't really have to go back, but I've been touching base every other month. It's good for me to go through that kind of intense 'where am I now' and 'are my motivations still on track' assessment. No one else in the whole world does that with me. I remember how hard it was starting back up two summers ago. I remember every day was such a drag and everything was so hard and I had to BELIEVE every single moment that I can do this. And I had to want it more than anything. This clicks to one of my very first blogs ever, started in the worst year of my life. I never revealed for ages what was really going on.
I just deleted a paragraph about the dissonance I've been feeling lately, but realized as I write those words that constructing this particular book is one of the most utterly depressing things I've ever put myself through on purpose. So many things I've never told anyone. I've been slamming through staying so busy with other people this last year that I think I've missed a lot of crucial processing 'me' time. Sometimes I miss losing myself in the moment of letting my mind travel across the earth feeling the eons of accumulated time. People who've had near death experiences say time has no meaning on the other side. I love staring out across a vista and feeling time piled up in the earth beneath me, like riding on a giant clock through a brief burst of the heavens. It's taking every bit of grit I've got to keep pushing through. The writing is the easy part. The forcing it all together into a solid thing for the whole world... Ug, that goes against the grain of my soul.
Long ago in an alternate life in college I wrote an essay on the Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus. My angle was that the idea of happiness itself is an absurdity, but I point out that for all we know, Sisyphus has the freedom to sit and rest as long as he wishes after the boulder gets away before he must go fetch it again, and that he can stick his tongue out at the gods or whoever he wants all the way back down the hill and then curse them all the way back up it while he's pushing the boulder without any further retribution. I wasn't verbal enough back then to discuss the freedoms that abound inside of the restrictions we feel upon us as we go through our days, but I am now. We sometimes forget to take a better look at our own boulders and whether we are justified in whining about them, or even using them to get attention. I'm sure nowadays Sisyphus would post a selfie with his boulder on twitter and facebook to see how many retweets and shares he could get, and some genius would undoubtedly create a mockup of an autocorrect convo between him and Zeus. I'm sure a producer somewhere would jump on the chance to create a reality show about the whole thing, and we'd see endless commercials of Sisyphus promoting athletic shoes, fast food, and a rockin' Dodge Ram helping him move that boulder, right? I think I would be able to identify more if Sisyphus had to turn in a manuscript and something bad kept happening to the file every time he had it all done.