August 13, 2014

• lost in space

  Time didn't exist yesterday so I was surprised how much I got done with the clock randomly jumping a couple of hours here and there. People who crave the effects of pot would love being in my head. I'm just like this all the time nowadays, but yesterday was spacier than usual. See what I mean, time just slipped again while I was wowing thru pix, click for your own experience.

  

  I did a little quick pinning while I was spacing out.

  

  This week Jenny mentioned her triggers and Anne told us her story and lots more people are writing how they feel. I wrote circus baby yesterday myself. It's not very good, more like a splat, but I know from long experience to just keep talking. I have spent very long days alone for years in a rural subdivision while Scott works. Most of the people around here are gone all day. I can't even count how many days I've driven into town just to be around people during severe anxiety attacks. Some days I can barely touch the steering wheel with a finger tip while I drive, but I know it's important to get somewhere around people. Sometimes when I'm driving I call people and tell them to keep me talking while I drive. This has been going on for years.

  I keep thinking I really don't want to say too much yet, because it's going into the book. But it's important. I'm not afraid to talk about it any more. Anxiety and depression can get so bad that the mind splinters, and you can't tell when stuff is real or not. You can't tell what things floating around in your mind are just dreams or memories or wishing really hard for something. You can't tell if the wall or door you can feel right in front of you is really there. You can't tell yourself that you won't be able to float or fly if you lean too far off a deck. I have been there. I have been talked through it over time with a psychologist who has known me for seven years. I've been monitored for a year by a psychiatrist who has finally stopped pushing me to go on head meds because I complied with other things he said to do. A neurologist has ruled out illness and trauma because the physical involvement has been so entangled. My regular doctor keeps a very close watch on me. And finally, the reason I got Scott onto twitter is so he can watch me from work. If he can see me tweeting, he knows I'm getting through my day. He can gauge how I'm handling things. My whole family is involved, a team of doctors is involved, and some of my twitter/blog followers are involved. People can check on me continually. I have set it up that way on purpose.

  If you feel like you are sinking or drowning or caught in a sticky mire or feel panicky about leaving your house or whatever, make a Plan, and get people involved by letting them know what you are doing. Several years ago when everything fell completely apart for me, I made a Plan. If I could get nothing else done, I would at least log into a blog and write a paragraph. Once I was able to do that for a week, I added at least making supper to my list. Poor Scott, if I could get nothing else done besides a paragraph in a blog, at least the guy would get something fresh and hot and yummy to eat. Believe it or not, I still struggle with that because time passing is such a non-issue for me. But after I got the hang of at least trying to do that regularly for a week, I added Do one load of laundry every day. Over time (it's been 8 years since I finally admitted I can't hide not being normal and capable any more) I have been able to add stuff to a very regular routine to the point where I'm actually feel like I'm getting a lot done, even on really bad days.

  The key is routine. Take it from an aspie, routine WORKS. Very first thing is rounding up my brain. Next thing is What am I going to do next? What do I need to do next? What am I doing right now? You wouldn't believe how many times a day I stand around staring, and then go Oh, yeah. I can barely keep together what day it is. Hey look, here is a sample from a couple of years ago. Click to make it big so you can read it.

  

  And that's nothing. I missed my daughter being 30 weeks pregnant on her 30th birthday last year. If anyone is a loser, it's me. But you know what? I'm learning so much about my mother that I didn't understand when I was younger. I get now why she got so wacky. I get how hard she kept trying even when all we could see was fail. I get why she finally gave up and let diabetes ravage her. We got the message, thank goodness. Not in time, sadly, but maybe in time for OURSELVES.

  This has been a rough week for a lot of people. Keep moving, keep finding distractions to keep you busy, find a way to stay in touch with other people. Your story is just as important as everyone else's.

  You all know by now my obsession for distraction is youtube. Thank God for fans.

  • 8:42 am
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