March 3, 2014

• when the demon is me

  I'm gonna shortcut the hell outa this post and assume I don't have to asplain. I feel I've been pretty clear the last few months on my blogs about priorities, aspieness, and goals. I've also been extremely clear about blowing up bridges. My tolerance level has been maxed out, and I need to step way back before I start hurting feelings.

  My biggest issue is that I'm not a drinker, I don't socialize in my real life with drinkers, I married into a family rife with alcohol problems throughout their past, and I don't see drinking as something that is cute or funny since heavy drinking is what initially immediately predated my first big lupus reaction and plummeted my life into a living hell of pain and illness. I don't interact with members of my own family that drink, not because I have a problem with them, but because I'm aspie and I DON'T INTERACT MUCH AT ALL, PERIOD. I don't talk on the phone with them, I don't email with them, and they get less interaction from me on public media than the general public does. My family is used to this. They accept this. This is who I am. But I have friends who will never understand this, and try as I might, will always be hurt by my merest deviation from the way they want to play head games. I particularly have a problem with people saying "we're all going to die anyway". The reason I'm still HERE is because I didn't have that attitude, even when all my chips were down and I was so physically and cognitively disabled that I never dreamed I'd be on social media again. To have that so flippantly said to me is like being slapped in the face after months of what I thought was understanding and support.

  I've made it extremely easy for friends and family to see what is going on in my life without having to drag stuff out onto twitter or facebook, and especially so I don't have to repeat myself over and over one on one because I'm aspie and I hate that. I'm not going to post links to this blog any more because it's not important to the people who need to see it the most. I'm going to go on my merry little aspie way and go back to what I *was* doing, amusing myself. I feel more comfortable being alone.

  Friendships are painful for me. I can't be myself without hurting people I love. Darkness is not a contest, and I have way too much experience at friendship fails to play this one out.

  • 10:38 am
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