June 25, 2014

• because I'm falling down

  More than anything I just wanna feel oblivious. Or at least feel partly oblivious. It was nice getting a 1 mg shot of ativan yesterday just in case that really was a seizure, but this morning looking up med duration times I'm running into "inadvertent intra-arterial injection" and freaking myself out.

  I'm not the sort to trust oblivion, sadly, so doctors trying to get me to take pills has been like trying to pull a wild donkey's teeth with a jump rope. But seizures are no joke, at least the kind I had, blacking out suddenly with no recollection of time lost or passing and all kinds of glitchy confusion afterward while my body geared up in fight or flight like I hadn't been breathing or something. I'm an oddball, that happened during a nap. Weirdly, I do remember a sudden *blip* and then another *blip*, like if I'd been a TV and someone had unplugged me and then plugged me back in, and suddenly I was AWAKE like I'd never been sleeping. In between must have been what it's like for Kai in the cryochamber, just absolutely nothing in between the two blips. I've been through brain wave crashes in my sleep before because of the severe sleep disorder, but oddly, I've been sleeping really well lately.

  I did ask about the possibility of protracted xanax withdrawal causing a seizure, but they don't think I was on a high enough dose or came off it fast enough for that, disregarding that I was on steady benzos for 20 solid years and getting off I went through delirium tremens like heavy users do, but I'd been clean of it for over a year until recently I took some with me on vacation. Ativan is first response to seizure, and it's a big ol' benzo, but they all bah me when I mention I'm a carefully controlled addict. They've *seen* addicts, I'm a polite little clean person fairly in charge of my faculties, they wink at me saying the word 'addict'.

  Dang, wait till that book comes out...

  Plan of action. I discussed with Scott on the way home yesterday that maybe until I get this book FINISHED I need to go back on regular very low dose xanax, instead of the haphazard occasional dosing every 2-3 days I've been doing leapfrogging the meloxicam (pain paill) that's been making my stomach miserable. I went on xanax rescue around this time of year in 2009, and when my mom died a few months later I had to slightly increase my dose to get through that final stress (I was her durable power of attorney during her lengthy stay in a nursing home), and then I think about 9 months later (August 2010) was when I devised my two-year slow withdrawal plan with team guidance from my doctor and psychologist. I went through everything the people who wrote the benzo withdrawal books I bought went through, except I never had seizures, thank goodness. Despite my very low dose, being on benzos for twenty years solid was apparently enough to make my withdrawal a living hell, so I kept it as controlled as possible. Whatever happened yesterday kicked my blood pressure up really high for some time, so naturally I got a CT to rule out other things like a stroke or cancer or aneurysm and whatnot.

  So BOOM, big ol' benzo shot last night. I was almost going to put this on my spaz blog but I'm not in the mood to put it that far out there. Posts here don't leap out to other media, Pinky posts just sit here in a little pink cave and hardly anyone ever comes here because it's not mobile-capable.

  Today I start PT back up after a 1 1/2 week hiatus, so I may as well just grit my teeth, settle into a lo-dose med plan for reals, and keep kicking butt. I really miss hydrocodone, but I can't take it since I figured out the acetaminophen problem I was having all that time.

  This is a rescue vid. I first discovered it during the blackest part of my life, when I never thought I'd never see light again. It disappeared, I found it again and downloaded it. It seems to have disappeared again, so I'm uploading to unlisted as a rescue vid. Whoever created this was a genius. If you've not seen Dark City, you need to. It's very creepy, and a lot like what living in a glitchy brain is like.

  • 6:56 am
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