February 21, 2014

• 1000 word brain salad

  After mulling it around a bit, I'm thinking my best way to shave time around getting as much done as I want is to stop sleeping again, haha. All my best work has been done through years of severe insomnia. Seriously, though, it's been pretty sweet sleeping again, and I'm not going to wreck that. Too many years of 2-4 hours a night.

  Scott's overtime is over. After months of being alone in this house around the clock and seeing Scott only two hours a day in the evenings most usually 6 days a week, he's underfoot pacing like a madman. Then suddenly he's gone somewhere, doing work for his parents or his daughter. Then he's suddenly underfoot again. In an age of cell phones and a multiplicity of communication medias, we're like two ships crashing over and over because communication is so poor. This morning he's going on and on about hunting turkeys this spring, which is fine except by the time season rolls around, other interruptions will be so entangled in his plans that it will be stressful just getting one day out to himself, and then interrupted with phone calls and texts from other people. You guys would laugh if I told you why he didn't get a deer last fall.

  I didn't know for years into this marriage just how popular Scott is because I'm the one who never gets to see him. It wasn't until we went on vacation in 2007 that I found out just how many phone calls he gets. Every half hour during the entire trip, family and coworkers were calling him to ask where he was on the highway, chatting up where he should go, giving him driving advice, asking what we had been eating or bought or what our plans were. At the time it was a shock because I'd been waiting so patiently for years to get that time to ourselves, being next door to his parents and raising his step daughter and frequently seeing his ex-wife and all the overtime he worked, and so on. I'm so used to it now that I figure this is what celebrity couples must feel like, or public servant couples, or retail giant management couples, etc.

  I grew up barely using a phone, and even with my phone on me 24/7 I rarely text or call anyone. It's a huge deal for me to be on public media allowing the world to watch what I'm doing all the time. I used to be an extremely private person. I made public blogs, but rarely talked about my real life, mostly stuck to Lexx and other interests. I had a previous facebook that finally got super restricted down to 3 people, and I even deleted that. After taking a year completely off the internet, I decided the best way to handle having to interact with people is just go completely public and let everyone see what I'm doing all the time, and that way I don't have to talk to people. I made Scott a twitter account so he could see what's going on here while he's at work. It's a good way not to have to write everything more than once.

  This would be brilliant if it actually worked. If I want to see what other people are doing, I just look at their facebooks or blogs. I rarely comment because I'm usually multitasking like a bat outa hell and really don't have the time for one on one stuff. I don't expect people to drop what they're doing and answer my questions of 'how is your day' kind of stuff. If someone wants me to know something, they'll write it down somewhere, and if they REALLY want me to know something, they'll call or DM or something. At least I assume so. I've got most people who know me personally trained to not even bother unless it's life or death.

  I easily write thousands of words a day. I use my personal blog as a sort of brain organization center and do brain warm ups before I hit the hard work where I have to stay focused. I blitz through twitter during little breaks and then pull my focus back. Once in awhile I remember to check other people's stuff and see how their days are going. I rarely answer DMs and PMs, really bad about not checking email, even don't see texts in a timely manner because I've got my phone muted. Despite the extravagant lengths I go to avoiding real time interaction, I get bombed several times a week with other people's epic fail dramas and traumas that impact my real life. The previous post is just one example out of a plethora.

  Why am I saying all this? I am *this close* to going recluse again so I can WORK. I would like for my friends to remember I have family and for my family to remember I have a huge thing I'm trying to do and for Scott to remember that we're married.

  One of these days I want to fly to Ireland. I'm keeping track of who is making it harder for me to reach this goal. I'm thinking about making a special dedication in my first book to the people "without whom this book would have been published two years sooner", or whatever. One of these days I might just make a few people famous and receive compensation for all the times I've stopped everything I'm doing to be there for them. I was observing to Scott last night that even if I were to find out I have cancer and one year left on this planet, I will never get back the time and care and compensation from other people that I've freely given to them because it's the right thing to do. They say live life like it's your last day or something. What if it is? Then I might not have much time left to do what *I* want to do.

  I WANT TO GET BACK TO WORK.

  • 10:22 am
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