Day: February 16, 2014

  • recentering

    We've got 10 weeks till we leave on vacation. That suddenly doesn't seem like much time.

    Last fall I considered a two week hiatus from public to get some things done and decided against it because I felt it was personally important to stay in contact with the world. I'm *very* good at being a recluse. I'm the one who disappears for months and doesn't call for weeks and doesn't check email for days and my phone is on mute most of the time. That all changed summer 2012. I committed to public and staying visible, and recommitted to that again last fall when I decided that having an actual social life was a positive psychological health priority. Plus it's fun. 

    I'm a natural creature of habit, more like deeply trenched rut because aspie, so readapting my work/sleep routines around social activities several times over the last nine months has been a challenge. I feel out of balance a lot, but the funny thing is, I'm actually getting way more done now every day than I used to. As time moves on, I grow more productive in new ways because I have a social life. I didn't expect that. Some people call me hyper, but one of my super powers is organizing time, maybe because of some of the jobs I've had. I also can't stop working, even on my laziest days, partly because I was expected to work so hard through my childhood. Granted, I can simulate laziness (I had to learn that), but it's carefully manipulated, as anyone around me can tell you that I kinda freak out about wet towels on the floor or dirty dishes in the wrong place, etc. I used to be one of those people who mopped the floor on my hands and knees on a regular schedule and moved furniture around just to vacuum underneath. Every day I make myself not think about the dust gathering out of sight on the tops of my cupboards, but Scott has given me strict commands not to climb on the counters any more.

    I had planned on getting some things done by the end of February, and I'm juggling a few problems slowing me down (knee, etc), plus burrito, so I'm thinking maybe I'll have to back off on a few social things for a couple of weeks. I'm having a hard time deciding what to cut back on. Obvious choice is live tweeting shows with a twitter gang, but I so enjoy that. I'm wondering if it might be more conducive to my time to just stop cooking and go to paper plates. I dunno. I'll figure it out. My aspie brain is whispering that we can schedule out my days down to the minutes if we commit strongly enough, but that feels like a happy little path to compulsion hell.

    Behind all this overthinking is the thrill that I am overthinking after all the brain problems I had for a few years. 

    This post took a couple hours to write, sentence here and there while I did other things, in case anyone thinks cutting out sitting here yapping would save me some time, lol. Just nice to have my thoughts organized where I can come back and see them later, nice thing to have around when you become a little glitchy.

    Time to get all over some WORK.

  • walking next to me

    Sometimes astrologers really get me.


    I am uber aspie the last few days. I can't tell you what this does to enhance my scorpio qualities. I struggle daily with my compulsion to plunge back into my old evil villain ways. My fascination with this career field started at a very young age. Click to go.


    It's occurring to me that some people will take this post way too seriously. I'd like to assume there is inherent good-humored intelligence tracking through, but I'll more than likely walk away and forget I was even here. Thanks to the lab accident, I don't have to drink to experience brown outs.


    Today is an assess and revamp some major thinking kind of day. I have deeply embedded trust issues. I can tolerate being condescended to, that's human nature. What's hard is keeping bridges intact to relationships I don't understand. Because THAT is my kryptonite.



    If I haven't killed you yet, it's because I like you. If you haven't pushed me off a cliff yet, it's because you like me. But if we're having a bad day, we're both thinking about it.

    I've often said I'd make a good dog. I even hope in my next life I'm a dog. Everything is pretty clear cut when you're a dog. I think the kind of life I'd like as a dog is running around with a little boy on a bike or hanging around the neighborhood playing ball or skateboarding.

    Brief whine- The last few days my pain level has gotten a little freakish. I keep forgetting that other people don't always know or remember that I can't take pills to get relief. If you've never in your life experienced the kind of deep bone pain that requires shotloads of controlled narcotics (which I try very hard not to do more than twice a year so my medical records don't make me look like an addict), then I must politely say fuck off and walk away before I kill you because you said something stupid to me. I think I do a very good job of * being nice * for the circumstances I live in, and being aspie, I usually feel I am the last one who should be apologizing. That being said, general apology to the world this weekend, sorry I wrecked your day if you accidentally and innocently bombed me with your own stuff. I know we've all got stuff.

    Moving on. Scott and I are hoping I don't wind up with knee surgery, point blank. We're also hoping I don't wind back up on cancer watch, point blank. I've got some things to deal with the next couple of weeks with a few doctors, and with any luck I'll only wind back up on a physical therapy schedule before we go on vacation later this spring. This winter has sucked in a variety of ways and since I epic failed with my new psychiatrist handing me more guinea pig prescriptions in desperate attempts to get me sleeping and mood stabilized (good grief, people), I'm on my own again. The only reason I'm not jealous of people who can drink themselves to sleep is a- I've already been through that kind of liver pain, and b- I know you're headed there. Please don't awww me in comments, thanx. I need bazookas and Mad Magazine right now.

    BACK TO DISTRACTION!!! Time to get back to WORK.

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