I'm going thru one of my weird euphorias again, now that I know what those are. To me it mostly just feels like an energetic high where I don't feel like sleeping or eating and I'm in love with everything and it doesn't take much to whirl my brain, like colors and sounds. When I get like this I can run youtubes over and over and over and over and go into a weird hypno-trance while I do other work.

Once in awhile someone asks me why I don't fix up my blogs to look more professional, and quite recently someone *cough* politely *cough* let me know there were places where I could pick up website tools real cheap, yadayada.

I have already spent $3000 on my web empire getting exactly what I want, even if it looks like it's still in bits and pieces, because it is. I KNOW this doesn't look professional, but bloggers nowadays don't understand that I think they look like they are being channeled more and more into preset parameters, like cattle through a chute. When I first started playing on the internet, I built my very first set of pages from scratch. When I made my very first blog on Xanga I tore it apart rebuilding the codework till I literally wrecked the preset frames. I have accidentally sent entire blogs and forums whirling through space and time because I'd forget to close my code after a motion command on a gif or word. (Many blogs have built in fail-safes for stuff like that, the fun is gone now...) I originally built my Lexx blog on dialup that was so slow I couldn't pull up my own page to see it until I opened it up on a college network, and. it. looked. awesome. It was like a glossy fan magazine come to vibrant life, with scrolling actor links and the Lexx flying right across the page, and pages and pages of interactive STUFF.

What people are seeing now is stripped out blogs that have been rewritten by my hosts onto new servers. Yeah, I could have moved everything to wordpress, but if you've never really designed your own stuff, you have no clue how truly restrictive wordpress is. Blogger allows me to keep using scripts, but wordpress completely obliterates scripts and all java, and even auto-strips out certain regular code now. Sadly, Xanga has migrated to wordpress servers, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed we get the awesome internal tracking and mobile support that we used to have.

How many of you remember the geocities days? I miss geocities so bad. Yeah, it could look pretty crappy, but it was exciting and FUN. WordPress isn't *fun*. Blogger is sorta fun because I can still run my cute little sparkly mouse code, but google ripped that old profile out and replaced it, and then they took over youtube, and while I'm adapting and even thriving again, it's just not like the old days where I got to make all the decisions about everything you saw on my pages. Tumblr might be where I wind up going next, but only because I can actually see ALL the code that builds the page.

My dotcom is a reflection right now of my frustration at 'progress' in blogging. It is my sloppiest blog, and difficult to read unless you subscribe to a reader or email updates. It's basically a placeholder so no one else can get the dotcom. You know what? What it looks like right now isn't going to stop the traffic once it becomes a thing. I may be putting announcements and links on that blog you can't find anywhere else in my plethora of web presence, and it just may be the first place people go once I'm published if they don't have a clue I do all this other stuff.

It doesn't matter if my blogs don't look real slick, and it certainly doesn't bother me that people passing by in general probably think I'm a few cookies shy of a dozen. Professional me is an aspie who remembers where she came from. Professional me still likes the fun stuff. Blogs are like cars or motorcycles or Bluebird buses, you can pimp them any way you want, and what I want is what it looks like inside my head. Sometimes flipping through monotone blogs with straight lines reminds me of seeing a jillion white Chevy Luminas on the road. They might look like slick little stormtroopers zipping down the highway, but they're all the same. I know some of my blogs presently look like used cars that have seen better days, or like a college kid's dorm room, but this is just a small part of what's coming, if I get my way. I'm crossing my fingers I get a little money in so I can do what I really wanna do online.

I wanna caress your brains and let you know you're not alone in the long, dark nights and sad, lonely days. I'm out here, too.

Throwback Thursday.

The reason I write is all about today.

I'm in a good mood, I need to lol. I finally got google analytics to accept my xanga pages as me being the verified author, yay! But that's not why I did this. Please to reference this chart. Hopefully you can see it gigantic. And bear with me, there is a reason I'm using myself as a spectacle.

See that first one from bluejacky that has tag/weirdal in the web address? 74 clicks in the most recent 3 months when that link was coming up in the 70th position in engine searches, which would be on the 7th page of a google search. I'm not told what the actual search words were, but my bluejacky blog seems to come up consistently at the top of all the content I've ever put on the internet because of Weird Al. Since I never had google analytics before a month ago, I have no idea how long this has been going on, I only get a 3-month report unless I go premium or pro or whatever google is calling their pay-package. What do people see when they click that first link? THIS. I just made your day. You're welcome.

Moving on. Note that the second link down has gotten 11 clicks even though it doesn't show up until nearly the 10th google search page. At the bottom. It's been one of the hottest single surveys I've ever put on that blog, and now even though all the vid codes got screwed up and disappeared, it keeps getting hits. Again, I have no idea what search phrases lead to this, I suspect something naughty. I know, some of you are scoffing- 11 hits, omg this chick thinks she's something, what a maroon, but hang on. Before Xanga relaunched, I snagged the view counts on the surveys, just in case the tracker crashed (and it did). BOOYA (see below), not bad, huh? And that view count stopped Sept 1, 2013. No telling what it's at now. My blogs literally disappeared for two months during the server move. Google analytics is proof that it's still indexed out there, even after it got roughhoused onto new servers. By the way, that little box clicks to the survey if you're interested. After my stuff is all turned in to the publisher I'm going to fix a few things, put vids back up on old surveys, etc.

Ok, third one, Little Lexx, goes without saying, of course Lexx fans are going to find my Lexx stuff. Most of my Lexx traffic comes from other Lexx areas on the internet, but it's interesting that WordPress doesn't seem to deliver the search engine BOOYA that Xanga does... just saying. I always did get excellent engine reference with Xanga. Moving on.

Fourth and fifth ones. What the crap is up with this bluejacky stuff coming up in searches? Basically it's showing me that the tagging works for search engines, blahblahblah...

Ok, let's skip all that, my analytics setup is still just now gathering info, what's really amazing is that I've got 207 PAGES of search engine links listing 9400+ 'impressions', which is how many times MY links have popped up in people's searches the last 3 months. Like these.

I'm a nobody, guys. I blather on a lot, yeah. I have tiny little blogs spaced out all over creation blabbing away (actually, only one of them is what we could really call active, lol), and most of them never get comments. I want to say something to you.

COMMENTS DON'T MEAN YOU DID IT RIGHT OR WRONG. I have posts with over 10,000 views and not a single comment. People stopping by to chat about what you write isn't your cue to stop or go on with your writing. Fishing for response is not the goal you should be setting. You could write down that your cat did something and have two people comment, but if two views were all you got, that's 100% response. Do you understand that? Would you rather have more response or more visibility? If you're serious about being a writer...

YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF MORE VISIBLE. I never use tags or categories on this particular blog, and guess what- google search engines can barely see it. This blog has the most continually updated content, it's got loads of links and pictures, it's hooked up to friends and even gets a few comments. I tweet a link to this blog nearly every single day. But the blogs that get the hits are the ones the google web crawlers can see tags and categories on. If you want your blog to be seen, it's ***vital*** that you tag and categorize everything you do on it. In the old days I was able to insert my own meta tags. Tumblr still lets you do that, and Blogger sorta does. But most blogs now have built in meta, and all you have to do is (say it with me) tag and categorize. For example, here is my blog coming up in search engines, BUT the link is nonspecific. You know what? There is another Pinky Guerrero out there who is both a radio personality and a retail blogger. I did my homework. So 'Pinky' me coming up in searches doesn't mean they wanted to find ME, but it does mean they will SEE ME. And they would see me lots more if I tagged and categorized. That I got the twitter handle first was a complete accident, I had no idea how popular this name was. Please note my Pinky blog came up in search just because of the name, not because of any of the content, and the only reason it came up by the fourth page (rank 47) in the search list was because someone else was already pushing the name. I got a free ride for my Pinky blog, but I'm sure I wasn't what they were looking for.

I created this blog to play on. The content I put here is the kind of stuff I used to put in my private blog, softened up a bit. If I were trying to get attention on this blog, I would tag and categorize the crap out of the posts here, but I'm not. This is my little pink cave where a few friends come over when they need a little bit of a brain splat, and I'll keep putting stuff in here whether anyone ever comes and looks at it or not. Because it's for ME.

I learned a long time ago I don't thrive on comments. Even when comments are 100% positive, there is something about comments that creates more pressure than anything. If people don't comment we worry our writing is bad or we offended someone and maybe they hate us. If they do comment, we feel like we have to comment back, or maybe the comment is too short and out of context for the blog content, or maybe the comment is way too lengthy and emotionally involved for the blog content, and it's weird that we feel we have to reply to the reply. If we're having a bad day and just wanted to dump it in a blog and suddenly got a bunch of people jumping in giving advice, it freaks us out or flares our tempers and next thing you know we're not friends any more, and omg, comments get so ridiculous that I literally turned them off when I first came out about being aspie. I thought being contacted by Lexx fans was overwhelming, people coming out of their closets over their diagnoses and fears and sexual questions was like being hit by a wave and sucked under, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Since that was before people could interact with me directly on twitter, I got a pretty good pile of lengthy angsty emails. I love social media, the more we have of it, the more people can see they're pretty normal (even weird stuff has normals) without having to go through personally gripping someone by the email lapels and begging for answers, or demanding whatever whatever.

Writers WRITE. We don't ask permission, we don't ask what people think about our content (unless we need help expressing it better), we don't ask for ideas because we don't know what to write... (You need to seriously investigate your calling to the writing vocation if you do that.) I've seen it all out there in ten years of blogging. YOU decide if you're a writer. No one else decides that. You do what you've gotta do to write, even if that means doing it privately or ignoring comments, or throwing a blog party. Don't assume anything about your content sucks if someone adversely comments, or doesn't comment. I even look at it like this- silence means the lurkers are thinking and nodding, haters mean you touched some buttons and whether they admit it or not they think you're worth hanging around to rip on, sweet people are like sprinkles on the ice cream, but in the end, would you write it again? If you say no, again, seriously investigate why you think you're a writer. From my experience, writers simply cannot stop writing. Whatever it is, it just has to come out, and you are miserable if you don't. Writing is a form of expression, like art.

Just write it, tag it, categorize it. Install a couple of different stat trackers. Link what you write up to a google account. Look up google analytics. Watch the numbers. If you don't want to go to all that trouble, that's fine, but don't let comments stop you from doing what you love most.

More than anything I just wanna feel oblivious. Or at least feel partly oblivious. It was nice getting a 1 mg shot of ativan yesterday just in case that really was a seizure, but this morning looking up med duration times I'm running into "inadvertent intra-arterial injection" and freaking myself out.

I'm not the sort to trust oblivion, sadly, so doctors trying to get me to take pills has been like trying to pull a wild donkey's teeth with a jump rope. But seizures are no joke, at least the kind I had, blacking out suddenly with no recollection of time lost or passing and all kinds of glitchy confusion afterward while my body geared up in fight or flight like I hadn't been breathing or something. I'm an oddball, that happened during a nap. Weirdly, I do remember a sudden *blip* and then another *blip*, like if I'd been a TV and someone had unplugged me and then plugged me back in, and suddenly I was AWAKE like I'd never been sleeping. In between must have been what it's like for Kai in the cryochamber, just absolutely nothing in between the two blips. I've been through brain wave crashes in my sleep before because of the severe sleep disorder, but oddly, I've been sleeping really well lately.

I did ask about the possibility of protracted xanax withdrawal causing a seizure, but they don't think I was on a high enough dose or came off it fast enough for that, disregarding that I was on steady benzos for 20 solid years and getting off I went through delirium tremens like heavy users do, but I'd been clean of it for over a year until recently I took some with me on vacation. Ativan is first response to seizure, and it's a big ol' benzo, but they all bah me when I mention I'm a carefully controlled addict. They've *seen* addicts, I'm a polite little clean person fairly in charge of my faculties, they wink at me saying the word 'addict'.

Dang, wait till that book comes out...

Plan of action. I discussed with Scott on the way home yesterday that maybe until I get this book FINISHED I need to go back on regular very low dose xanax, instead of the haphazard occasional dosing every 2-3 days I've been doing leapfrogging the meloxicam (pain paill) that's been making my stomach miserable. I went on xanax rescue around this time of year in 2009, and when my mom died a few months later I had to slightly increase my dose to get through that final stress (I was her durable power of attorney during her lengthy stay in a nursing home), and then I think about 9 months later (August 2010) was when I devised my two-year slow withdrawal plan with team guidance from my doctor and psychologist. I went through everything the people who wrote the benzo withdrawal books I bought went through, except I never had seizures, thank goodness. Despite my very low dose, being on benzos for twenty years solid was apparently enough to make my withdrawal a living hell, so I kept it as controlled as possible. Whatever happened yesterday kicked my blood pressure up really high for some time, so naturally I got a CT to rule out other things like a stroke or cancer or aneurysm and whatnot.

So BOOM, big ol' benzo shot last night. I was almost going to put this on my spaz blog but I'm not in the mood to put it that far out there. Posts here don't leap out to other media, Pinky posts just sit here in a little pink cave and hardly anyone ever comes here because it's not mobile-capable.

Today I start PT back up after a 1 1/2 week hiatus, so I may as well just grit my teeth, settle into a lo-dose med plan for reals, and keep kicking butt. I really miss hydrocodone, but I can't take it since I figured out the acetaminophen problem I was having all that time.

This is a rescue vid. I first discovered it during the blackest part of my life, when I never thought I'd never see light again. It disappeared, I found it again and downloaded it. It seems to have disappeared again, so I'm uploading to unlisted as a rescue vid. Whoever created this was a genius. If you've not seen Dark City, you need to. It's very creepy, and a lot like what living in a glitchy brain is like.

The rabbit story is done. 893 hard words. I would love to turn that part into a gruesome parody children's book. That part explains why I'm attracted to stuff like this. If you like it, too, click the pic to see more fun stuff.

I'm writing from several perspectives while I'm developing a new literary form, so no, my submission won't meet the deadline. I'm ok with that. This has been a weirdly wonderful month. May/June has been horrible for me for many years, but as I'm finally making peace with the last of my demons, I've started having some really cool dreams with my mother in them. You have to understand that I have NEVER had nice dreams of my mom, all my life. But as I've come to understand her perspective raising an extremely difficult child (yours truly), I feel like she's been able to come visit me in my dreams, and to be able to joyfully laugh and talk with her after our lifetime of pain together has been emotionally and spiritually releasing like nothing I've ever been through.

My psychologist turned me loose months ago. He knows I'm on the right track. My anxiety disorder is melting away, I'm sleeping normally for the first time in decades (in my whole life, actually), and for the first time since I can remember, May/June feels like a happy place. I chose the deadline purposely- June 26th, my mom's birthday. Several people in my family have asked me to make her memorial video public again, that my brother and sisters put together.