I know I get a little mixed up here and there, but this account appears to be paid up through April 2019. Maybe I should come over here and play once in awhile.
Oh, this editor is horrible. I seem to be braining better of late, maybe I'll get over here and figure it out through the year.
I'm actually getting a list of all my xanga accounts that I need to catch up payment on, or reactivate. Not sure what's going to be happen, but something stirred in the xanga force and I need to stay on top of my content. Remember how bombed 2013 got for me? And then 2014 was like recovery, regroup, rehub all over again.
Kinda on my own here, as far as I can tell. Several people have urged me to start up my own dotcom from total scratch and just move all my stuff over, and while I'm not exactly lazy, I am financially deficient and time challenged enough to make that seem like cleaning up after an area-wide tornado all by myself. It would literally take months of concentrated effort.
Anyway, I was doing something else and got distracted, but this blog is still active, I may come here and play once in awhile, and who knows what will happen after that.
People keep trying to view this blog on phones. I'm pretty sure if I had this on blogger it would be more fun to check my stats on. (timewarp) OK! Pinky is mobile!
So. I might just carry on blogging over there and let this blog rest. If Xanga ever gets mobile viewing back, that would be the bomb. In the meantime, no sense copying two identical personal blogs. If you want to go there right now with a scan code, here you go.
So I'm immersed in yet another annual Doctor Who week long marathon, and I'm wondering what my Timelord name would be. The Timelord name generators I've found are so unimaginative I'm not even bothering. So if I were to choose for myself, one descriptive word to represent me as a title, I'm thinking, I would be the Klutz. I accidentally smashed our coffee carafe to bits the other day, and that was only one of many things I dropped, fumbled, spilled, and sorta threw in weird trajectories at nothing in particular because my grip suddenly lets go as I'm moving. The most public fail was tossing a bulk yogurt onto the floor and a yogurt bursting forth all over the cart wheel, and I was standing right by the check out conveyor. I went ahead and paid for it. I even ate the one that popped a little after I got home, was still good inside.
Told Scott this weird pressure I've been feeling the last couple of years to get my stuff done asap while I have time is starting to take form in my head. Yesterday I suddenly saw myself without my right hand, as if it had to be removed for some unforeseen reason, and that got me to thinking- all these years that I've been getting through and recovering from nervous system fail it never occurred to me that my next loss would be something other than my brain again. Other people have lost limbs to accidents, illness, infection- I use my hands so hard, every single day. Thousands of words, rotating stacked projects, keeping up with real life, through pain and numbness and literal fail while things drop and smash around me. It was an interesting direction for my thoughts to go- What if I literally can no longer type somewhere in the future? Yes, I've got to keep getting as much done as possible while I still can. Of course, if I were a Timelord I would just grow another hand.
Barring that actually happening, my friends on twitter would be happy to know my own family would encourage me to use Nelson in it's place...
So I drank Folgers singles coffee for a couple of days, not bad if you are patient and let it steep a bit, and got a lot of work done.
100.8 degrees yesterday afternoon, hottest day so far this summer. Compared to the last couple of summers hitting the 100's way earlier, that's pretty sweet. Picked up a watermelon for the chickens while I was in town yesterday. Still getting an egg or two every day. This is from last year, eating cantaloupe.
Started the Doctor Who marathon back up at 5:30 this morning, keep it running all day while I work on a few things. Shifting a bunch of stuff over from GrandFortuna to Lexxperience this week. Blogger is much more forgiving about dragging html around than wordpress is, so it's going much faster than when I move stuff to other blogs. I had been dreading moving my surveys from bluejacky to a new blog, but maybe it won't be so bad. This is a goldfinch I caught eating sunflower seeds out my window last week.
I figured out a couple of years ago that summer heat is worse on me than the worst winter snowstorm, pain-wise. Started hitting my neck and head last week but stayed pretty mild till a couple days ago. Now that I know exactly how these headaches trigger and where the pain really starts, I've been able to handle it with a little of my own deep tissue massage, even though my hands can barely take it. I have follow up with my regular doctor in September, will ask him then if I can get back into physical therapy. Until then I'm still thanking my stars I haven't wound up in urgent care yet this summer like the last several nightmarish summers with allergies and super pain spikes, and crossing my phalanges I stay ahead of my stuff enough not to have to. So far so good. But now, BACK TO WORK!!! Getting lots of big things done!
These are highlights. This is how blogging has helped me get through the 'brain crash', which happened in 2004 during Bell's Palsy (which is totally nontypical but may be related to being a carrier, as we shall see) and grew increasingly worse until it started getting better around 2012-13, and is still improving. Between the confusion of brain fog and memory deficit (which was a new thing to my eidetic memory), I was unable to keep things straight for a long time. Being able to go back through private blogs not only helps me remember stuff, but why I made decisions this way or that. Blogging made it possible for me to watch my progress through a plan to get healthy again, physically and mentally. It's been nearly ten years since the brain crash (first signs in Sept 2004, but puzzling because no visible signs of stroke, tumor, illness, or trauma.) Life still goes on. I'm so glad I kept a daily log because I honestly don't remember most of this until it is triggered by reading it back to myself, then I go Oh, yeah... For the curious, I'm a Lymie (first infected in high school) with Epstein Barr (from a wild mouse bite, yeah I was stupid and picked one up by the tail when I was a kid) and had a bad Bartonella infection as a kid, very ill with the measles in high school (probably responsible for surgically corrected arrhythmia years later), nasty car accident, autoimmune flare ups, severe fibromyalgia, a nasty months long systemic CMV infection in 2007, declared completely disabled in 2008, but because I'm a stubborn aspie, I'm doing everything in my power to get back off disability. It's a slow climb up a steep mountain, but I believe blogging is the key to planning, the climbing gear, if you will.
They say life sucks and then you die. Well, I want my life to suck as long as possible.
August 18, 2007
Boy. That was a tough 5 minutes after they pulled out. Me and Twinkles bawled our eyes out before we went back in the house.
My sploit is off to Texas today to her new life with her fiance. Time to start her new job, look for an apartment, get married…
This was a small part of the loading process… Boy, my camera is getting bad.
Of course, the sploit wasn’t weepy one bit. Look at that grin! She has techno-JOY!!!! Ok, private joke.
It was a little early for Twinkles, but she was a real trooper, walking in the door at 6 a.m. in time for bacon and good-byes.
Thodin. The yucky green car that has been part of our driveway for years… Today is probably the last day I’ll ever see Thodin again. I think they have plans to trade it in later. For some reason, this picture gets me more than all the rest. I have so many memories of moving the sploit to college and back in Thodin.
One more quickie pic of my baby…. *snif*
Now Twinkles is crashed on the couch until it’s time to go to work. I’m feeling a weird sort of blue on my big stupid pills. The chicken is cackling. The dryer is going. I am trying very hard not to think about how badly I wanted to be able to go on this caravan trip with them.
August 18, 2008
Finally starting to feel a little more normal, yay! Finished the antibiotic this morning. The body spasms are quieting down. Have been sleeping a LOT. Just about caught up on the usual chores.
Watched the Two Coreys season finale this morning, had it dvr’d. I couldn’t believe all the pills Haim was on. They didn’t name them all, but after dumping several other bottles, he argued to keep the vicodin (label said to take 4 a day) and the xanax. Geez, dude. I can barely handle 1/2 a vicodin at a time, and I have serious medical issues. Any time I’m offered xanax and valium I turn them down, point blank. I fear how hard I’ll work suddenly moving furniture around by myself if they knock the pain away and I have no inhibitions. Good way for me to wind up in the ER. You know, I never realized until I watched this season of the Two Coreys that I really am a seasoned drug abuser, under the guise of fibro and lupus. I’ve been fighting to get off the meds for several years now, and dealing with withdrawals and the shock and recovery my body has to go through on top of being ill, and I’m convinced that the world of chronics and terminals is a serious issue of medication abuse, sponsored by pharmaceuticals, insurance, and the poor doctors caught in the middle. When I’m on all the same medications that serious drug addicts wind up going into treatment for… Just because I have an excuse to take them doesn’t mean it’s ok.
Scoped out a few sites on epstein barr. Good lord. No wonder my doctor was so quick to give me that handicap tag. I didn’t realize how complicated that one is, and it’s just one of many wrecking me up through my life. I know I seem pretty aggressive sometimes about digging up info on stuff, but in some ways I’m still pretty naive. Here I was apologizing to my attorney for wanting to start up a disability case last November when I was so ill I could barely stand up and walk a straight line. I blame the Asperger’s, I guess it just takes awhile for things to process and really hit me. I fought the disability for so long, not realizing how much support I would have had even 20 years ago.
Haven’t talked to my dad in nearly two weeks. Keep thinking I should call and make sure he’s still ok with Mom’s care at the nursing home, but something in me keeps resisting. He was calling me nearly every day and sometimes crying and angry, and I had to keep smoothing things out. Scott’s mom is now driving herself all over creation every day, gets the boot off her broken ankle in about a week. She has stopped calling me every day. Well, I take that back. She called me a few days back to ask if our land line phones were out from the rain and I said yes. She called back the next day to ask if I’d called in to report yet and I said no. (I’m very literal. If she’d wanted me to do the calling, all she had to do was ask.) Then she called me the next day about the wiring in their air conditioning, and once she found out Scott was available he started getting all the phone calls.
I don’t do phones well. I don’t do other people’s ‘panic’ well. I’ve had to get through so much on my own without any kind of support at all, it’s incredible. It wears me out terribly, as an aspie, to have to handle other people’s stuff. I feel like I’m still recovering from all that constant problem after problem after problem this last month. On top of my own problems.
August 18, 2009
Family meeting at the nursing home set for Sept. 1st. I have so many feelings conflicting around even just the need for this meeting. I don’t even have to take sides to dread this. I’m not even on a side. I see both sides, I see that both sides have blinders on and won’t budge, and I see that it all boils down to me being the main arbitrator because I’m legally in charge of both parents. I just wish my dad would stay home more. He’s a good guy, but he just needs to relax and have more of a life than hanging on every breath Mom takes. If I had known Mom would make it this long, I really should have gotten a lawyer on this years ago. And her own private room.
Scott picked two Walmart bags of tomatoes last night, half from the big Shop of Horrors bush under my kitchen window, the other half from the bush that fell over two months ago in the flower bed. When the coffee kicks in (not sure it this will work, the first cup wobbled me back into bed) I wanna get a cookie sheet out and roast a whole bunch to freeze back in little bags for future batches of settler’s beans and spaghetti sauce.
@ 11:30 a.m.
What a long day. I’m in slo-mo. It’s so bad that I wrote down that I took a pill, and 15 minutes later could have sworn I never actually took it. Just writing it down doesn’t mean I took it… dang it.
And I can’t go back to bed because I finally wandered in there and stripped it. It’s a good thing I’m so far ahead on food, because I don’t think I could cook a meal from scratch today. I’d wander off in the middle of something and forget I was doing it.
@ 1 p.m.
I’m willing to entertain the notion that I’m having some depression. Took 4 hours to get that cookie dough mixed. My brain shuts down completely every time I think about either 1- my next doctor appt, 2- the nursing home meeting, or 3- the disability hearing. Ugmo. Eating a warm cookie. It’s helping. Put half the dough into the freezer for another day.
Watched a new episode of The Universe, they finally made a new one. I would sure love to lose myself in just thinking about stars and galaxies.
Decided to throw a good *what the heck* to the wind and threw mine and Scott’s pillows in the wash. Scott’s is line dry only, but I’m going to throw it in the dryer anyway. If he winds up sleeping on a ball, it might prompt him to go buy a new pillow after two years of saying he’s going to buy a new pillow. I have no idea how old this one is, but it’s gross, and I’m tired of waiting.
August 18, 2010
Today is chiro and the grocery store. This will force me to get a shower. I’m having the hardest time getting more than 2 showers a week in this month.
That meaty soup yesterday turned out really good.
No brain yet this morning. See ya.
August 18, 2011
I scanned the crap outa the wedding book before Scott took it back this morning with our order, which is now only for show so other people ordering pix won’t think we’re awful parents, because we could easily print them out on our own photo paper now. We’re just getting 3 pix, of the whole family, the 3 generations, and bride’s parents with the couple.
As we were going through the book and noticing all the other family photos, Scott couldn’t help noticing how often *** and her current guy showed up, and how few pix we were in, and it became obvious that Twink didn’t make it clear with the photographer exactly who the family ~was~….
My perfect bow made it in the album.
August 18, 2012
I really think this weird bladder spasm thing is my lower back kicking off again. Been having problems with it ever since all the mess started up with Andy, then gram, then Scott’s stuff, and now I’m having trouble moving and bending again, and starting to get pains down my legs. Might have to start back weekly with chiro. Also thinking about getting back into core strength training for my spine.
(retrospect edit- it did turn out to be severe fibro and was only relieved with many weeks of ASTYM therapy over several months- I can't even begin to describe the pain and the way it referred around nerve centers)
August 18, 2013
Day 7 of norco withdrawal +_+
I think the worst should be about over. Been a zinger week, nothing like going through opiate withdrawal on prednisone and round the clock benadryl. I’ve lost 3 pounds, at least.
Hitting coffee a little early. Tonight is utterly sleepless, only 1 1/2 hours so far. Slept real good earlier in the week, surprisingly, probably all the extra benadryl, even though I was wired to the gills.
August 18, 2014
*** got back home today, will probably retire now. Scott took his mom and Twink out to see him come in. *** got married Saturday, and after they were pronounced and kissed they locked light sabers. I heard her blade was red, which is Sith, lol.I finally got a couple of weekends off in a row, and dang if I didn’t get in my bedroom with a forklift. Got that stupid dresser and armoire OUTA there. Scott says I can have a new dresser any time now, so maybe over this next week I can finish up the piles of stuff that have been amassing again since Twink got pregnant. I’ve been using a broken drawer on the floor for at least two years. Was supposed to get a new dresser a long time ago, but Twink getting pregnant and piling in here (rather her here than some place stupid!) and then moving around and then popping the kiddo early practically on top of me having surgery, and then keeping us busy every weekend (and more) since then, this whole last year has been like riding out a string of tornadoes. We’re exhausted. Anyway, I caught a second wind and boy howdy, my bedroom is getting a very badly needed makeover.
My nerves are quietly going into shock. Here we are again, a year later, not sure whether my blogs will disappear. Was hoping to have a little money this fall, but still not sure yet about Xanga renewing.
I need to get this book wrapped up. I’m glad I didn’t meet my last two deadlines because I am really liking the conversations I’ve had about breaking it down some more, stretching it out, filling it in. Work of art. I need to do it justice. It’s not just another story being tossed out there, it’s my histoire philosophique. It’s me putting Camus and Lewis onto the same gourmet sandwich. I really do believe I can pull this off, but in the middle of all this other duress and another blog salvage…? I’ve always said I do love a challenge. My whole life has been like the Tour de France.